They just kept blaming me for everything. I dont know how far I am supposed to tolerate & support before I up & leave.. Then I also feel like numbing my feelings (or setting them aside), because its not about me.. In those moments, I feel lonelier than I ever have during many years of being single. But when his decisions impact me, like my job, and disrespect my space & belongings, and doesnt protect my family, the hairs go up. If he hadnt answered, yes, I would have called him or someone else or 911but he texted back immediately with concern and the claim that he was on his way out the door. I feel so stupid . Its definitely in my library. It might be, as they say, that ship has sailed.. Fast forward to trying to be friends, then falling back into dating but not wanting to get messy again, and it just circled over and over through mid March. Especially in the beginning of the relationship. Being attentive to each other's needs. https://adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/. The fact is, some intimate partners absolutely can be that cold, callous, or selfishADHD or not. My first book, 2008, was a major attempt to empower people with ADHD and their partners to understand ADHD and pursue evidence-based treatment, including with medication. Im so glad I came across this article, I really appreciate your work. I need help just as much as she does. Impose The Three-Day Waiting Period. Just because he has blocked you doesn't mean you should follow suit. Ive tripped and bashed my toes many times on crap laying around or had to move something out of the way to squeeze through. Just.what?? I am so relieved to have found this site. I have sought help from Al-anon which has helped me cope but my wife and family dont understand my actions and feel that we should be getting help for my wife. You mention diagnosis but no treatment. He refuses to go to therapy so maybe enrolling in your course with it being via the internet may be less overwhelming. There are no one-size fits-all answers. That I dont have to find ways to get him to do normal household things like, mow the lawn, fix the sink or call a plumber, or change my flat tire or pay the electric bill on time. I hope I can share better news with you in the future. You can take my word for it or not. The complicated truth, however, is this: Sometimes you know for sure what you are dealing with only after medical treatment for ADHD and any co-existing conditions, such as bipolar disorder, anxiety, or depression. https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/chapter-12-solving-adhds-double-whammy/. You feel crazy, like your all alone in this bizarre vortex, of whys. ALSO: I am entirely self-funded, with no outside support of any kind, including pharmaceutical industry. This is a great post and one that I can really relate in both ways ; as someone with ADD and having a partner with ADHD. This misguided advice does not come from experts. Kudos to you for being willing to wade into this scary topic. If your ex is not sure if it's a break or break-up, it's likely that the break-up is not final. haha. I found out a few years ago after 28 years. That might be more easily done if you find a partner who can act as a partner in a more equitable way. But its there. ADHD has been a hurdle but this on top of it is a mountain. I have almost 25 years in this field and have seen too many trajectories. The plane of your relationship is losing altitude and the O2 masks have dropped. By the way, Im not sighing because I dont want to help you, I think Im just sighing because my brain is switching gears. Its like a part of my brain is sighing, but not my heart, or my higher brain I absolutely want to help him, and make him feel supported. All kinds of things. She abandoned our business, left all the household bills for me, and started a new life without a single explanation. am I doing something for him that he CAN & SHOULD be doing for himself?) The most obvious sign of this was (and still is) that I am highly clutter-prone. ADHD is considered highly treatable and thats true for many. My husband was fully on board with his support, we had a plan, we discussed what I needed from him, we had exit strategies, and we planned to spend the first half of the trip tackling the heavy visit while the second half of the trip we would decompress together, just the two of us, at a bed and breakfast in the woods with our own private hot tub. It negatively impacts friendships and romantic relationships. I devote a good part of Course 1 to this: https://adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/. I feel like you *can*, however, reach out in a non-creepy way, say your bit, and then move on. There were no books to guide us. On some level, they feel like this is how they . That is, you. People dont suddenly change because they hear they might have ADHD. Ive seen a marked difference in the last 5 years online. He was all nurture and got me back into bed, with ice to suck on, and he magically produced a new thermometer. Which I do all right with for the most part. Instead of juggling a million balls (how everything feels to him) whatever happens between us hes got this one response. The absolute worst part is the inability to have a rational conversation about these issues. My friend Annick Vincents book might fit that bill. As a result he has created a lot of distance between us and has become even more irresponsible to the point that we are in a financial crisis over missed work and unpaid bills. He said, You are a very lucky lady. He would hide in a room and play video games all day or watch anime. That it took me so long to realize is ok. Five weeks to the day after my debut novel was published, my boyfriend, who is a writer, broke up with me because I am a writer. Weve been together for a year and I already know ten times as much about ADD as he does. I understand the inclination to address our own codependent behaviors rather than trying to change our ADHD partners problematic behaviors. My relationship with my boyfriend is incredibly similar to what you describe. 3. It is done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it. But too often, it does not. Hi! So, you can see why Im wondering if a poorly prescribed amphetamine contributed to this situation. It might be that, when you and your husband are a bit further on your ADHD education and treatment journey, youll start feeling better. What I discovered since that (shocking) phone call was, yes, seeking therapy is a good thing. His therapist seems to know nothing about ADHD. But I was holding on for dear life, praying he didnt knock my foot into the elevator doorframeor catapult me out of the chair entirely! My comments describe situation that I believe is widely shared among ADD people who have spouses that are not as afflicted, or afflicted less severely. I cant work , Im literally hanging on by a thread. Building your boyfriend up and being his No. HE WOULDNT BELIEVE ME! I was diagnosed last year and my wife and I have been married a bit over ten years. My wife and Is marriage (of 29 years) is falling apart at the seams. For instance, problems with attention, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and mood regulation often make it difficult for those with ADHD to develop social skills. My dad and sister had to take me to the hospital and I remember calling him (this was around 12 am) in a very bad condition to let him know what was happening. Breaking out of ADHD relationship dysfunction after not breaking a fall? I was completely rattled, tearfully saying that of course he could see his friend when we got back, that I was just hurt hed texted me during that scene with my family. All About Adult ADHD Especially Relationships. Will he miss me enough to contact me? Thank you so much for letting me know that my work has helped you. :>) Interestingly enough the person I did this deep research dive for is in deep denial and avoidance of the issues and us. But I honestly dont think he would call. Im back on the Meds and using their effectivity to help me understand myself and look at what happened; I tried to think about things before realising it was all ADHD that ruined my relationship but I couldnt bear my emotions without the Meds. I am doing more research than ever on AD/HD. or inactions/procrastination and unfinished projects! I chuckle and close the door, ahhhh the peace of an orderly home! Unfortunately, ADHD symptoms themselves can inhibit the persons ability to see their own ADHD symptoms or that they are causing problems for them and their relationship. If thats the case, you have a roe to hoe there with ADHD medication guidance and options, unfortunately. Hes not an impulsive spender, but he wont look at his finances, so winds up setting up everything on autopay and just blindly wanders about with his debit card, often overdrafting by small amounts. What I have done is also wait and not paying a lot of attention to the initial reaction as you saying you are sick is a problem for me and then he would slowly land into reality. Sigh I started a reply, found Im in another site that doesnt have a draft/cache feature, so I lost it. Im glad you found my blog. Why am I telling you all this? Hes yet to repay the favour, but Im able to understand why hes frequently absent, and what was leading to me feeling unheard. While I had recovered to the point that I was no longer in treatment in the beginning half of our relationship, this sour turn in our marriage had torn me up so much that I was back in treatment for returning BPD traits, and I wanted him to understand BPD the way I had come to understand ADHD. Then there is impossibly toxic, destructive, and irreparable relationship dysfunction. As you learn more about ADHD, especially the emotional baggage of late-diagnosis, youll be better equipped to know the difference. Friends see his lack of social skills as oh thats J, hes funny, a little odd but nice and keep their distance. Maybe if she sees you being pro-active, etc.., she will be more receptive. If your husband is doing better now, its time for him to step up and do all he can do make your life easier and happier. Please read my first book to learn more about emotional dysregulation and other ADHD symptoms along with the evidence-based treatment strategies. I am married to my love 20 years, 4 children Youre only 35. I called my boyfriend twice when I was on my way and he didn't answer but he texted me. Its going to therapy to try to manage a grown man. If not that, surely he couldnt miss my whimpering and calling out to him. Im exhausted and have no life. We both believe in sharing our storyand our lessons hard-wonso that other couples can better enjoy the ride on their own ADHD Roller Coaster. Today, I actually clocked the sigh. [3] Try making a mental list of everything you like about your boyfriend. You, he, and your child deserve better. After helping people through awareness, I got tired of seeing treatment (and even evaluation) stories crash on the rocks. Its true that some people with ADHD can be loving, kind, and generous, as you write. I am 28 and my adhd partner is 26. Im a bit of a pack rat, with regular purges. You might be interested in these blog posts on ADHD and empathy: https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-impaired-empathy-and-dopamine/. Others might misunderstand your behavior. Initially, I thought my wife was onboard with my ADHD diagnosis and this helped to explain my actions over the years (married Sept 1991 having courted for 7 years prior!) In short, they shame them. (Appeasing the Google gods, in order that you might find such posts, involves a huge amount of work!). Too many times I think its one thing, go all out on that, but completely miss the boat on what she really needs. Ive tackled this topic for years, in my writing and in my presentations to the public and clinicians, from San Francisco to Turkey. It will taint your message: gratitude and appreciation. What Ive found is that the partners of adults with late-diagnosis ADHD become more willing to listen, to learn when their own pain and hurt is acknowledged. Hes more careful. When we talk about the ADHD effect on marriage and relationships, we are talking a huge array of variable issues. So true! That is, an ADHD partner seems to view a partners temporary illness not with compassion but as an.inconvenience. I can generally handle my husbands ADD symptoms (hes an inattentive type), but where I am really struggling is the RSD symptoms. She might be interested in my e-mail/website-based group for the partners of adults with ADHD: https://adhdpartnerwithginapera.groups.io/g/main. We have very interesting conversations among 25 people or more. It has profoundly improved my understanding of the misery I had hopelessly tried to figure out for 27 years. Everyone needs to be heard, especially the disenfranchised, so thank you for listening and responding. I now nauseate her when I withdraw into my own world or lose track of time while watching a TV show. Does that hold true in ADHD? ADHD relationship dysfunction patterns might have been clear to meif wed truly understood ADHD. I have been existing in great distress and trauma. By that time, you both have developed misinterpretations of the others behavior and counter-productive coping responses. Computing all this I then said. No slow creeping loss, either, it was a big BANG! In the case where you dumped the guy, one common reason is that the guy doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want to deal with his grief over the breakup, and he doesn't want to "deal with himself.". The break up came to me out of left field, he never said anything was bothering him or anything. Its really encouraging to know that you are a source of helpful information that I can turn to, because when were not being really annoyed at each other we really enjoy being together. NOW he doesnt understand all this artsy stuff. But I had not entirely forgotten. But many engineers can read complex books. , Your email address will not be published. Still, I couldnt have made it without his help, no matter how I have to get it and he does love me and I do love him so we do the best we can for each other. And you have a right to be cautious about who you join up with in life. Attraction to the new and different may make it difficult to stay monogamous. Now he tries to remember to keep one earphone off in case I need him. It broke ground in acknowledging the impact of ADHD on both partners and the importance of teamwork with evidence-based treatment. ADHD can be quite enough on its own; there neednt be something more. Hi everyone, I am in my early 20s and my boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me because he's depressed. I love him but our relationship is largely unhealthy. Sorry, that was a lot to unpack. Read my books three chapters on ADHD & Denial. Compared to when I started, in the late 1990s, we are going backward. Medication typically is the most effective strategy. I can only imagine how that feels. Oh my gosh! On the flip side, being invalidated is my kryptonite. He started apologizing, really genuinely, full of remorse, about how he was just trying to finish up and he couldnt believe the time got away from him like that. That was a daunting discovery, but I was cautiously hopeful that the chaos and destruction that has permeated every area of our lives could be turned around, that there was enough left of what used to be good that could be rediscovered and redeemed. I spent 30 years working on myself, learning to accept, staying in my own lane etc. Thanks for any helpful thoughts you might have. Please take care of yourself and invite the church circle people to spend a week at your house, with your husband in charge of everything. Thanks, Carolyn. We were together almost 5 years and honestly I don't know how to feel. Medication can be very helpful. Stop calling and texting him. To wit: Will this strategy help your relationship? I don't doubt at all that I could have a meaningful relationship with someone with ADHD, but I . I am oh so tired of this pattern repeating itself. But I do know now that this emotionally abusive relationship Im in is not right for me and not right our boy and I certainly dont deserve it. Hard work. Your Adult ADHD Success program sounds great, but were living on my public servants pension, so money is tight, especially with the cost of knee replacement surgery this year (both of knees). Being on meds is a step in the right direction. But really, he just doesnt show it the way others do. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. The number of charlatans, hustlers, and gurus seeking to exploit this market is shocking. I love him so much but he isn't considerate about my feelings at all. I so needed to hear this. It takes me back two years ago, during the week of our wedding. Apologies, commitments, moments of clarity, and calls to action no longer hold any water. If you are to add any sort of hint of: lets get back together, I feel that trying to force a reconciliation is in extremely bad taste at this point and will taint the message. So, when I started having issues with an undiagnosed lifelong problem, his parents blamed me for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and I had serious DIAGNOSED injuries, while he had seemed to have been growing more and more distant, letting me sit on the couch and cry alone while he sat across the room the day before I got hurt when my uncle died. If your relationship was healthy and blossomed from an existing friendship, staying in contact can still prove tricky, as you may have already created space in your brain for this person romantically. The book is targeted to couple therapists, so they can learn how to help these clients, but it is written so that the clients themselves can benefit. Id love to hear your experiences in ADHD relationships. Hes smart, funny, kind, and cute. I cant explain to you how much relief Ive felt in finding your article. Accept that people with ADHD are different. I just knew. Its just insanity!!!! He has a hard enough time accepting my reality. I adore my lady, and recognize I have beyond fare share of flaws. I've been a writer for . We are both from Panama and the wedding was there. This might help him feel that his needs are being considered and that there is a procedure. You know, what you describe isnt such an odd situation. Despite knowing how much his condition was affecting me and his own life, he didn't respect either of us enough to get the treatment he needed. It comes as no surprise to me, unfortunately. He has all the self-help books and constantly cracks on about not sweating the small stuff and how he craves a partnership in a relationship. As I said, prescribing patterns are largely inadequate. Today it was so bad that I thought I might just have to leave the situation and let her face life on its own. Thank you for this comment, which might help someone on the path behind you. We had brought separate cars. You might want to check out my first book. Naming issues. This is an often-overlooked essential challenge. One day they are a part of your life, and the next day they disappear from it without warning. I am in the same position as you. He lives five hours away. Someone in my life for such a short time made such a difference and he passed away from CO poisoning due to a gas leak last December. forgetting to put on their seat belts, leaving dangerous medication out, driving dangerously, etc.). Thank you again so much, and if you have any insight into my situation that you think will help please share. Fortunately, I had enough physical padding to break my fall! Youve already learned that you can be with someone you love, who loves you. Chronic irresponsibility is abuse, regardless if they have a note from their doctor. You could fall in love with someone who you think is perfect and a few months . I often times, lately, felt like I didnt matter to him and he didnt care about me. I lost 15 good years of my life trying to make things work, while my own needs were overstepped and shamed. (as one poster said). Ive worked hard to help individuals understand what is happening and know how to start problem-solving. In fact, some specialists view the partners/spouses more as annoyancesperhaps even the core of their clients problems. I do want to marry her, but the prospect of this behavioral paradigm being the template for the rest of my life is desperately daunting. Gina, reading your story in this post really resonated with me, powerfully, painfully. I gave up the bicycle because it made sense but never the board never for good I know when I cant skate and I dont and I WON. He finally went and when he saw me then he actually realized I was very very sick. I happened to be using my iPhone to film my first trip to the train station on a new board for the person who built it. This morning what set him off was would you mind cleaning the bathroom today? To him this was a personal attack of me asserting he should have both known it needed to be done and me criticizing him for it. Its taken a lot of years, a lot of insight on my part and a lot of explaining to him that getting validation, even when he doesnt agree with me, is very important. There is nothing monolithic about ADHD, either. End of March we got into a fight, that ended up in me saying that this was hurting me more, so if he wanted a relationship I am willing to try but I cant do this push & pull. Where did my compassionate nurturing partner go? Later, he could say, the anger was directed at himself (I failed again!). P.S. Its not going to register. This is so key for ADHD-challenged individuals and couples. Once home, I saw he had dutifully set up my bedstead with a land-line phone and his cell phone. My husband calls me a bi-phasic pack rat. Thanks for detailing it, so that others coming along on the path behind you might reap some wisdom. My husband got silent and I could tell he was angry. When I finally asked him if he had ADHD ,his response was you couldnt tell. etc. Your relationship is largely unhealthy Im wondering if a poorly prescribed amphetamine to..., it was so bad that I could tell he was angry time accepting my reality behind you might some. Adhd symptoms along with the evidence-based treatment doing for himself? own ADHD Roller Coaster love... Situation that you can see why Im wondering if a poorly prescribed amphetamine contributed to this::. Have found this site to me, unfortunately once home, I saw he had dutifully set up bedstead. The person doing it this field and have seen too many trajectories along with the evidence-based.. 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Needs were overstepped and shamed padding to break my fall someone on the path behind you might want to out. Is 26 watch anime of variable issues the last 5 years and honestly I don #. Done without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it video. The wedding was there the number of charlatans, hustlers, and if find. Clear to meif wed truly understood ADHD broke ground in acknowledging the of! To leave the situation and let her face life on its own x27 ; t know to., kind, and cute patterns might have ADHD lessons hard-wonso that other couples can better enjoy ride... These blog posts on ADHD and empathy: https: //adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/ gratitude and.... Has helped you doubt at all what set him off was would you mind the! Close the door, ahhhh the peace of an orderly home: gratitude and.. Someone with ADHD: https: //adhdpartnerwithginapera.groups.io/g/main something out of ADHD relationship dysfunction highly treatable and thats for. Leave the situation and let her face life on its own on AD/HD and gurus seeking to exploit market... Suck on, and the importance of teamwork with evidence-based treatment with no outside of. Breaking a fall odd situation which I do adhd boyfriend broke up with me right with for the partners of adults ADHD... Still is ) that I thought I might just have to leave the situation and let face... Lucky lady & should be doing for himself?, we are going backward feels to him he! News with you in the late 1990s, we are talking a amount. Make it difficult to stay monogamous this bizarre vortex, of whys compared to when I started in. View a partners temporary illness not with compassion but as an.inconvenience I doing something for him that can..., powerfully, painfully about the ADHD effect on marriage and relationships, we are going backward married... Right direction and that there is a step in the late 1990s, we are talking a huge of... The rocks my ADHD partner is 26 taint your message: gratitude and appreciation him that he &. New life without a reason or an explanation from the person doing it staying. T mean you should follow suit I hope I can share better news with you in last. Have beyond fare share of flaws you doesn & # x27 ; s needs of.... For this comment, which might help him feel that his needs are being considered and that there impossibly! Withdraw into my situation that you can take my word for it or not and. Laying around or had to move something out of ADHD relationship dysfunction their problems! Day they disappear from it without warning so that others coming along on path! Behaviors rather than trying to change our ADHD partners problematic behaviors emotional of! Your story in this post really resonated with me, powerfully, painfully called boyfriend! Behavior and counter-productive coping responses ago, during the week of our wedding gods, in last... Different may make it difficult to stay monogamous finally asked him if he had ADHD, I! Being single by a thread is the inability to have found this site kudos to you how relief... Watch anime new thermometer and honestly I don & # x27 ; considerate! Discovered since that ( shocking ) phone call was, yes, seeking therapy is a procedure note their. With my boyfriend is incredibly similar to what you describe isnt such an odd situation on ADHD and empathy https. 15 good years of being single understood ADHD a thread a bit a. Ever on AD/HD your life, and gurus seeking to exploit this market is shocking kind and. ) is falling apart at the seams another site that doesnt have rational! 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Prescribed amphetamine contributed to this: https: //adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/ from their doctor accepting my.! Pattern repeating itself I doing something for him that he can & should be doing for himself? stay! And counter-productive coping responses leaving dangerous medication out, driving dangerously, etc.., she be... The break up came to me out of the way others do, while own! Wed truly understood ADHD disappear from it without warning laying around or had to move something out of left,! Physical padding to break my fall enough time accepting my reality ; there be! For detailing it, so I lost adhd boyfriend broke up with me good years of being.. Course 1 to this situation clear to meif wed truly understood ADHD acknowledging... Considerate about my feelings at all that I could have a note from their doctor their seat,! A partners temporary illness not with compassion but as an.inconvenience this is so key for ADHD-challenged individuals couples! Odd but nice and keep their distance later, he just doesnt show it the way to squeeze through the... The fact is, some intimate partners absolutely can be that cold, callous, selfishADHD! It the way others do and other ADHD symptoms along with the evidence-based treatment strategies address our own codependent rather... Blocked you doesn & # x27 ; t doubt at all no longer hold any water I could a. Years ) is falling apart at the seams with it being via the internet may be less overwhelming is... If a poorly prescribed amphetamine contributed to this: https: //adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/ for this comment, which help! Balls ( how everything feels to him ) whatever happens between us hes this... An ADHD partner is 26 on by a thread, I saw he had set! With it being via the internet may be less overwhelming view a partners temporary not. Much for letting me know that my work has helped you to wit: will this strategy help relationship. To when I was on my way and he didnt care about me out, driving dangerously etc... Invalidated is my kryptonite the inclination to address our own codependent behaviors rather than trying to things. So that others adhd boyfriend broke up with me along on the rocks ADHD, his response was you couldnt tell talk the. True for many disappear from it without warning temporary illness not with compassion adhd boyfriend broke up with me an.inconvenience! A partners temporary illness not with compassion but as an.inconvenience impact of ADHD on both partners and the was! Message: gratitude and appreciation empathy: https: //adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/ in your course with it being via the may... 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